Voteless in Walla Walla

 

But now that they are old enough to have figured out that their old man is not the strongest, the smartest or the funniest man in the world, they have probably also come to the conclusion that as a lawyer I’m pretty much the same as I am in everything else—average. At least on my good days. Still, other than fantasizing about winning a big lottery, the dream that keeps chasing my sleep is me being a Super Lawyer.Which, I know, ain’t gonna happen.

 

In depressing point of fact, I’ll bet I’ve never received a single vote to be a Super Lawyer. Other, of course, than the one I send in for myself each year. Hey, at least I can say I’ve received some votes.Which is really not true. I don’t vote for myself, although I have voted for others to be so honored and, let me quickly point out, those whom I have voted for have, in fact, been, and this year are, Super Lawyers. So at least my vote is counted—but not for me.

 

All of this is not intended as a subtle effort to climb the lofty peaks of peer respect and garner votes next year to make me a Super Lawyer. If nominated I will not run; if elected I will not serve. The point is, having reviewed the entire alphabetized list of Super Lawyers 2004, I am struck by the importance of their names. Maybe, just maybe, a rose would not smell quite so sweet if it were called, say, a rutabaga. And maybe, just maybe, if I change my name I would have a better chance of being a Super Lawyer. Okay, so maybe being known as Tom Super Lawyer still would not get me over the hump. But when you look at the list, you can’t quite escape the idea that maybe what’s in a name is of some import. Did you ever consider what would happen if a bunch of these Super Lawyers got together and formed a firm, or firms, of nothing but Super Lawyers? Wow, think of it!

 

Which, obviously, some Super Lawyers have. Several firms, which I assume paid good money for splashy ads so stating, consist of nothing but Super Lawyers. These guys—and gals—eat lawyers like me for breakfast. After 20-plus years of trying to gain a modicum of respectability in a small town (big fish, small pond—that sort of thing), I probably couldn’t get hired (age discrimination notwithstanding) as an associate in some of those firms.

 

But that’s not really what I’ve been thinking about. What I’ve been thinking about is the names of firms that would exist if we could creatively, or maybe not so creatively, get some of these Super Lawyers to leave their present digs and hang a shingle with some other, different, Super Lawyers. Herewith, then, using only the surnames of Super Lawyers 2004, are some suggestions.

 

For example, for a firm that probably wouldn’t handle dog bite cases, how about WOLFE,WOLFE,FOX & BASSETT? “Hello, I got bit by a dog and I was wondering … never mind. I’ll call someone else.” This firm would represent the biter, not the bitee, every time.

 

Remember the initiative a few years back to ban the use of leg-hold traps on fur-bearing animals? A firm of Super Lawyers that would gladly have stepped up to do pro bono work for the initiative would undoubtedly have been FOX, FISHER, MARTEN, BEAVER and any of the aforementioned WOLFES.

 

In entertainment law, how about MICHAEL CAINE? Involved in a little espionage and need a Super Lawyer? How about the firm of BOND—JAMES BOND? Better yet, you could be represented by AUSTIN POWERS. As for intellectual law, who could hope to compete with STRONG BRAIN POWERS? Unless, of course, it was SMART, SMART BRAIN.Then there might be an even playing field. Next time you go hunting and you accidentally (yeah, sure) shoot someone’s cow, you could go to court with a Super Lawyer from BUCK DERR by your side.

 

I suppose that Super Lawyers get to charge a FINE PRICE for their talents. In which case, the winner in the truth-in-advertising campaign has to be MOORE MOONEY.

 

I wonder if Sherwin Williams or Pittsburgh Paints, or maybe the folks who make Crayola crayons, ever need legal representation? If so, who better to represent them than our very own Super Lawyers BLACK, BLUE,BROWN, GRAY & GREENE? A veritable kaleidoscope of legal talent. Unless, of course, BLACK & BLUE left to form a firm specializing in representing people with soft-tissue injuries.

 

Then we get into mining law. STONE, SILVER, FINEGOLD & DIAMOND, I assume, should be able to get the job done. If not, there is a second DIAMOND, not to mention GOLDSTEIN.

 

Next time I get arrested for driving under the influence, I probably won’t call BENDER, BENDER & BENDER.But then again, maybe they really, really, really know what they’re talking about.

 

Pity the poor receptionist who answers the phone for, and the client who calls, JOHNSON, JOHNSON,JOHNSON, JOHNSON & JOHNSON. Compared to whom JONES, JONES, JONES & JONES doesn’t need a scorecard. Both firms, however, are nothing compared to—are you ready for this?—SMITH, SMITH, SMITH, SMITH, SMITH, SMITH, SMITH, SMITH & SMITH. (Hint: If you want to increase your chances of being a Super Lawyer, I suggest you consider changing your name to Smith.) Concerning which super firm, please indulge me, because this is one of my favorite lawyer jokes. One day a client calls this firm and asks to speak with Mr. Smith. The conversation goes like this:

 

“May I speak with Mr. Smith, please.”

 

“I’m sorry, he’s in depositions today.”

 

“Okay, may I speak with Mr. Smith, then?”

 

“Mr. Smith is in conference right now. Would you like to leave a message?”

 

“No. How about Mr. Smith, may I speak with him?”

 

“He’s out of the office this week, I’m afraid.”

 

“Gee, well, how about Mr. Smith, could I speak with him?”

 

“Mr. Smith is in a trial this week.”

 

“Bummer. So how about Mr. Smith, is he available?”

 

“I’m afraid not. Mr. Smith is on vacation.”

 

“Really? Well, in that case, how about Mr. Smith. Can I talk with him?”

 

“Nope. Sorry. Mr. Smith is on the phone right now.”

 

“Wow. Busy place. How about Mr. Smith? Is he available?”

 

“Mr. Smith is in a mediation today.”

 

“Man, I’m striking out. So how about Mr. Smith.Would you let me talk with him?”

 

“I would if he were here, but he’s not.”

 

“I’ve got an idea. How about Mr. Smith? May I speak with Mr. Smith, please?”

 

“Yes, he’s available.Who may I say is calling?”