Three Steps to an Easier Divorce

When New York passed a no-fault divorce law in 2010—the last state in the country to allow couples to divorce without assigning blame—experts said the law would make the divorce process easier. 

Not entirely.

Gloria Sorrentino had been waiting years for a no-fault divorce law to end her 56-year marriage because she didn’t want to testify in court. Yet when she filed, her husband contested it, so Sorrentino, 79, had to testify about her husband’s negligence anyway during trial in 2011, before being granted a divorce in January 2012.

Getting divorced is never easy, but lawyers agree that there are things couples can do to make it as painless as possible. No. 1? Put your anger aside. 

“The main tip is to allow some time for negative emotions to dissipate, to make efforts to improve communication, and above all, try to keep the case out of court if possible,” says Jacqueline Harounian, a partner at Wisselman, Harounian & Associates. “Many times, individuals will be affected by the negativity in the early stages of a romantic or marital breakup, which leads them to litigate. On the other hand, couples who have had the opportunity to alleviate negative emotions early in the process, and are encouraged to communicate by their counsel, manage to … keep the process out of court.” 

David Aronson, a partner at Aronson Mayefsky & Sloan, says that you should consider looking for an attorney who has courtroom skills but is willing to settle cases. “Rather than a lawyer who always tries cases or a lawyer who always settles,” he says, “you want a seasoned trial lawyer who will work hard to settle your cases, recognizing that settling is almost always the best alternative.” In a settlement, he says, a lawyer can negotiate for things like alimony after remarriage and tax deductions for spousal support—things that the client might not get if the case went to court.

“Every time we have tried a case, we have failed our clients,” says Aronson. “It’s cost-ineffective and it’s a crapshoot. Good lawyers can divide marital assets with a scalpel; judges, as good as they are, they just don’t have time. They will divide a marital estate with a meat cleaver.”

Also, consider the significance of some of the things you’re fighting for—particularly when it comes to children.

“A lot of the stuff people fight about is more important to them as the parent than it is to the child,” says Aronson. “Whether the kids get dropped off at 6:30 on Sunday or 7:30 doesn’t really matter.”

In the end, it boils down to communication and cooperation with both your ex and your lawyer. 

“The kind of divorce case you end up with, amicable versus acrimonious, affordable versus expensive, relatively quick versus years, depends a lot on the legal advice you get in the beginning stages of the case,” says Harounian. “Of course, it also depends on how willing a person is to communicate, to cooperate, to be reasonable, and to move on.”

“Each party has to give, and each party is going to feel slighted,” says Sue M. Moss, a partner at Chemtob Moss & Forman. “If each party is a little unhappy, then you have come up with the right solution.” 

Three Steps to an Easier Divorce:

1. Put your anger aside.

2. Look for an attorney who isn’t afraid to settle cases.

3. Think of the children.