Chainsaws, Sinking Ships & Cashing Checks

When legal professionals gather socially, divorce lawyers often swap war stories that could serve as the plots for movies like War of the Roses. Read on to learn how to avoid becoming the next anecdotal topic, or just to enjoy some juicy gossip.

Chain Saw Redecorating

“The first thing that goes in divorce is common sense,” observes David Levy, a partner with Berger | Schatz in Chicago.

Illustrating this, he cites the case of a man who was, he says, “particularly angry that his wife received half the value of the house. He took a chain saw and cut all of the kitchen cabinets down the middle and gave them to her.”

Another memorable divorce he handled took place between a very wealthy man (with assets worth tens of millions) and a younger woman. “He bought the young lady a seven-carat diamond for an engagement ring. They had plans to honeymoon in China and he told her it would be best not to take the ring, but to leave it instead in his office safe.”

In China, the couple had a huge argument, right on the Great Wall, and decided to part ways. “My client phoned his partner and told him to take the ring out of the safe, bring it to a jeweler and have the diamond replaced with a seven-carat cubic zirconium,” recalls Levy. “The partner called him back a while later and told him, ‘Someone has already replaced the real diamond with a fake.’”

Material assets aside, the worst mistake Levy sees is estranged spouses alienating a child from the other parent. “I’ve seen clients tell a child all of the other parent’s peccadilloes—if the parent gambles or drinks too much or has had affairs. This has a terrible impact, aside from the obvious one of damaging the relationship between the child and that parent. It can affect children forever, leaving them unable to trust members of the opposite sex into adulthood.”

His advice:

• Being honest with children doesn’t mean telling them things they shouldn’t hear. “People rationalize bad behavior by saying, ‘I’m being honest with the children.’ You can be honest without saying too much. Just tell them, ‘We can’t live together anymore. We both love you and always will.’ That is what children need to hear.”

Loose Lips Sink Ships—and Fortunes

“People often go into the divorce process thinking that they know what is right and what they deserve because they’ve suffered through the misconduct of their spouses,” says Chicago family law attorney Donald Schiller. “Often they fight for something hopeless and it costs them a great deal. They end up broke or wasting vast fortunes. And their children are psychologically scarred for life.”

He recalls one angry wife who inadvertently harmed herself and her children in her fervor to take her husband down. “She had some secrets about the way that her husband had run his business, which was the source of the family’s income. In her zeal to get more from him, she disclosed some of his improper activities. He was convicted of a federal crime and went to prison for years. This virtually bankrupted the business. She and her children had to live a much-reduced life.”

His advice:

• Your choice of a lawyer is extremely important. “You want a lawyer who will fight for you, but you don’t want a lawyer who is always fighting.” Schiller suggests asking the lawyer what percentage of cases he or she settles without any serious battle. “Roughly half would be best,” he says, “If it’s much lower, say ‘thank you’ and leave.”
• Let your lawyer help you set reasonable expectations. “Divorce doesn’t have to be a disaster, but it can turn out that way when people keep fighting for no other purpose than to fight.”
• Tell your lawyer your personal goals. “Some lawyers forget that certain people put a high value on peace. The attorney may want to achieve the best economic situation for the client while the client may really most want to avoid misery. The lawyer shouldn’t impose his values on you.”

Eyes on the Prize

The great majority of states treat all divorces on a no-fault basis. Illinois does not. It takes a modified approach, says Chicago-based Michael Kalcheim. The vast majority of Illinois divorces are no fault cases. However, he says it’s not commonly granted, but estranged spouses can request a trial based on “grounds,” that is, one party claims “fault” against the other.

“It’s a complete waste of time and money,” says Kalcheim, who has been practicing family law for nearly 40 years. He recalls one case in which a wife, enraged by her husband’s affair, insisted on a grounds trial. He was representing the husband and tried—but failed—to convince the wife’s attorney to dissuade her and to concentrate on the finances.

“The wife wanted to punish my client by putting him through the wringer. So there was a deposition of the husband and of the girlfriend. The whole thing turned into an offensive, ridiculous circus. These kinds of cases can waste tens of thousands of dollars.”

His advice:

• Channel your desire to get even into a focus on assets division and support issues: “You take your revenge in the pocketbook,” he says. “That is the high road.”

Reality Check

“Clients seldom understand what is going on in a divorce court,” says Muller Davis, who has been practicing matrimonial law for almost 40 years. “Reality in divorce court is often far different from what it is outside of court,” he explains. “A lawyer with integrity will tell you what the reality you face actually is.”

He gives one example: “I’ve seen clients who were used to having ready access to their children. But perhaps they drank too much, or their spouse said that they did, and suddenly the court enjoins them to stop driving with those children. They just can’t understand that.

“These kinds of things may occur even when there is no real justification for them,” he says. “But they do happen at times on an emergency basis because a judge faces a scenario where a child might get hurt. The judge’s worst nightmare is not having done something and having a child injured or killed.”

His advice:

• Keep costs in mind, even if you’re hurt and angry: If a lawyer can resolve your case without spending time in court, the bills will usually be about half of the cost of court litigation. “It makes no sense to litigate an issue and spend twice as much as you stand to gain.”
• If you don’t want a warlike divorce, let your lawyer know: “The lawyer is your agent. Instruct [him or her] to do everything possible to minimize confrontation and the time spent in court.”