Kramer and Kramer

In the 1979 Academy Award-winning film Kramer vs. Kramer, a custody battle erupts between Ted and Joanna Kramer (Dustin Hoffman and Meryl Streep) over their son, Billy. We’ve seen the way Joanna left them, the way Ted and Billy have grown together, and how much Ted loves his son, so the audience tends to root for Ted in this battle. We agree with their neighbor, played by Jane Alexander, who tells Joanna from the stand, “You don’t know how hard he’s tried. They’re beautiful together, just beautiful.” But the court hasn’t had the benefit of seeing the same movie, and awards custody to the mother. 

This was the most common child custody result back then. 

“Unless a mother was foaming at the mouth or feeding her children antifreeze, she almost always got custody,” says Eleanor Alter, a family lawyer with Kasowitz, Benson, Torres & Friedman. “There had to be something really egregious.” 

Much has changed for families and fathers since.

With custody arrangements and child support, courts are extending much more flexibility to fathers, says Jerome Wisselman, a family lawyer with Wisselman, Harounian & Associates. “They’ve been much more accepting of fathers who want to spend substantial amounts of time with their children.”

“There’s a big push on two parents being equal” in terms of time-related responsibility, agrees Alter, even as she feels that fathers are more likely to make the mistake of not being realistic about juggling work and family schedules.

What hasn’t changed, Wisselman says, is that much of the work he does with fathers regarding custody takes place out of court, particularly in advising how to discuss a custody battle with children involved. “It’s important that the father doesn’t denigrate the mother,” he says. “And it goes both ways with the mother, too. The children make out better when the parents respect each other and show that.” 

Another problem that noncustodial fathers may face in enforcing parenting access is ensuring that an agreement is literally enforced, says Jacqueline Newman, a managing partner with Berkman Bottger Newman & Rodd. Even after mediation has been successful, there can be “little jabs,” such as being late for arranged visits. 

“It’s a hard thing,” Newman says. “You cannot go to court over every single transgression. But if there’s a pattern of a parent trying to intrude on the relationship with the children, you might. But more often than not, it’s poking just enough that it’s annoying but not worthy of incurring the legal fees.”

Finally, from Alter, this advice to both fathers and mothers in a child custody battle: Unless the child is in emotional or physical danger, “Settle, settle, settle.” It can reduce the cost of having to appear before a judge as well as the emotional toll of a prolonged legal battle.